No Thanks, Sleep Training Ads

I think my devices are spying on me. Alexa must hear me complaining about how tired I am, or maybe Google Meets uses the camera to measure and critique my under eye circles every time I log on. Because somehow, every time I log onto social media I am inundated with information (ads actually) on how to train my kids to sleep better. Sleep, or rather, lack thereof, is a hot topic in every mom circle. Everyone wants more of it, and none of us really know how to get it. Enter the business of sleep training.

I am not a baby sleep expert, but there are lots of different programs I see, and essentially they all boil down to the same thing - let your baby learn to self-soothe, i.e. cry, or complain, until they realize no one is coming and eventually will learn to fall asleep on their own. Of course, there are the 'gentle' sleep training methods that promise no crying...but what they mean is crying for shorter periods of time before you go in and check on them...then let the process start over again. Most sleep training programs also require strict nap times and bedtimes, always in the same place, for the same amount of time every day. Create a schedule, we're told, so your baby knows when it's time to sleep and doesn't make a fuss.

I have a few problems with this.

Firstly, and most simply, kids are people. With personalities and quirks. Some adults are great sleepers, some suffer from terrible insomnia. Why do we expect our babies to all be the same, and all capable of sleeping the same way, for the same amount of time every day? It's unrealistic. Charlotte has been sleeping through the night since she was 11 months old; Finn is going to be 3 soon, and he almost never does. Everyone is different and kids are no exception.

Second, it's unnatural to expect babies to sleep through the night. Yes, even after 6 months. Yes, even at 10 months. And yep, sometimes even into toddlerhood. Every baby is different, but babies who don't get 'trained' will often not be sleeping through the night by a specific age. Which means it's normal. We might not like it, but that doesn't make it any less true! What isn't biologically normal is letting your baby cry without responding. If it was normal and natural, there wouldn't be thousands of moms standing outside their kids rooms right now listening to them cry, and crying right along with them. It goes against every instinct you have as a mom, right? The lesson you're teaching your baby isn't how to sleep (although that might be the end result, I'm not saying it's ineffective). The lesson your baby is getting is that, when they call for you using the only means available to them, crying, you will ignore them. Not what you intended, is it?

Also, I don't know about you guys, but before this pandemic, we had a life. Nap from 1-3 like your life depends on it just doesn't work every day. What if we planned a lunch date? What if we needed to do groceries? What if they slept in that morning (yeah right lol) - it could happen!! For us, flexibility is more precious than a strict schedule will ever be.

I'm not saying to let your kids decide when they are tired and just put themselves to bed. Every parent knows that an overtired baby or toddler is a disaster waiting to happen. But exposing our children to a range of situations will make then less likely to lose it if the plan goes sideways, in a way that being super rigid won't. It's the difference between saying your kid naps from 1-3, or saying they nap after lunch - but the time can vary by an hour and it won't be the end of the world. Have a routine, and be consistent, for sure.

And obviously, there are other things we can do to help our kids (and us) sleep better. Don't you sleep better if you have time to wind down quietly at the end of the day? Take a warm bath? Have someone you love cuddle you? Of course. Babies are no different. But please, please, don't spend hundreds of dollars on a 'sleep training' program to give you common sense information! And helpful hint - sleep habits aren't linear. You can train your baby today and have a week of blissful sleep - it worked!! Only to have them go through a developmental leap and be up again all night the week after.

So, how did anyone convince us that we need to sleep train, if it feels so wrong?!? Because somehow, instead of supporting moms through what can be a really rough patch (sleep deprivation is no joke!), we tell them that they need to fix their babies instead. Rather than offer strategies that can help, we push them to ignore their instincts. A child's needs, physical and emotional, are valid. These programs hinge on the fact that after a certain age, babies no longer 'need' to eat during the night. But what if they are scared or lonely, and just need to know that mom or dad is around? Why is that need any less valid than the need for food?

Look, I'm not saying you need to rush in like the cavalry every time there's a peep (when they are newborns, yes, but they should be in your room then anyways). My kids make all kinds of noise in the night and I definitely give them time to settle down if it's just some grunting or tossing, or even whining. But crying? No. Mama is on her way (or daddy has been dispatched lol)!!

If you choose to sleep train, that's up to you...and it doesn't make you a bad parent of course. But don't do it just because society has made you believe that there are 'good' babies and 'bad' babies, and the good ones sleep through the night. I don't know who decided this, but it's BS. follow your instincts and do what works for your family.

Ok, rant over ;) And seriously though...is there anything cuter than a sleeping baby?? 💕